On the Outside Looking In
I’m on the outside looking in.
Wondering when will my time begin?
The time in which I do all the things I have always desired.
The time in which it seems that my fun will never expire.
Why do I always seem stuck in one place, as if destiny
is trying to keep me going in a backwards pace?
I don’t even know where to begin as I continue
to look at me as an outsider only capable of looking in.
I wrote the poem above as brief thought as to how I used to feel a few years ago. I felt this way because I watched as others were achieving their dreams; while others told me my time was coming; and while others still took advantage of my gifts and talents to further their own dream while telling me that I needed to wait before I can go after mine. I encountered a lot of frustration during that time. Frustrated because I felt like my life was going nowhere fast even though I was being told that I was rising to the top. This frustration eventually turned into anger, which grew to become resentment, which grew into what the Bible calls a “root of bitterness”. I was bitter towards everyone who said they appreciated me and my help but refused to give me help when I needed it. I was also bitter at those that I knew for a 100% fact had used me in order to further their own ambition at my expense. I was also bitter at some of my family for their constant insistence that I always come to them (in the physical sense of where they lived at the time) as I was tired of travelling to them and no one wanting to travel to where I was. All of this (and several other things) contributed to me feeling like the person in the poem above, like I was outside looking in on my own life, because I wasn’t capable of doing anything else.
The truth is that I had allowed myself to fall into a state of denial. Denial that I was truly in charge of what I could and couldn’t do. As a Christian, I was taught early in my walk that God is in control of everything, that your steps are already ordered and everything going on in your life is part of God’s plan the good, bad, and indifference. Well here’s the thing, God is in control but the one thing that he will not control (as He says this and it is in the Bible for anyone who doubts it) is your free will, your right to choose. And God truly does order your steps if you are listening to the order he’s giving and choose for yourself to follow it. But God also wants you to be an active part of molding your future. This is the lesson that I hadn’t learned at that point in my life. Whether you believe in God or not, the point here is that you are in charge of the thoughts, choices, and actions that will take your life from where it is, to where you would like for it to be. You don’t have to be an outsider in your life unless you choose to be.
I’d like to leave you with the following quote from Ralph Marston to end this post today:
“There is no virtue in being resigned to a life that’s anything less than the very best you can envision.”